I was breastfeeding Cosette last night- it's the one feeding left, just before bed, our few minutes of quiet cuddle time that I am having a hard time giving up. Someone has to wean me, I think. I sat and gazed at her, laying in my arms. She was stroking my hair as I stroked her cheek, and all I could think of was how beautiful she is and how much I love her.
Next I went to get Juliette, who was laying in my bed with her dad, watching Caillou. She saw me coming and shouted "Mommy!" with such happiness; I climbed onto the bed to cuddle with her and as we snuggled I could barely stand it- my beautiful wonderful girl!
I have said it before but it bears repeating: I am so blessed!
I read a story on the blogfathers the other day about a little boy of about 5 or 6 who quietly passed away, snuggled in between his mom and dad, from an inoperable brain tumor. My god, how sad. Why do I read those stories? In this case, it was sabotage- I didn't expect it and by the time I realized it was something I should just not look at it was too late. Now I can't get it out of my mind. Aren't you glad I am sharing so now you can obsess about it, too?
Then I watched some stupid TLC programs about a kid with a face eating tumor- it was a happy story since doctors were able to remove much of the tumor and I bawled as the boy was reunited with his anxious mother. Then, in a postscript, I read that he later passed away from a high fever and infection. Gaaaaahh! And if that wasn't enough... the next TLC program was about a little girl born without a face. Yes, yes, the prenatal ultrasound looked like maybe she had a cleft palate but then she was delivered and really, literally, had no face- just a large gash where her mouth should be. Can you imagine- you give birth and are excited to see your daughter smile up at you... and then you see that??? What is it like going home from the hospital, with kind strangers wanted to get a glimpse of your beautiful new baby? I don't mean to be shallow, and I'm sure you love your child no matter what, but some things must be so hard to endure. I didn't even watch the rest of that program. Stupid stupid stupid me shouldn't have watched any of it. I can no longer handle these sorts of stories. They used to hold an eerie fascination for me- back before I became a mom and when I was still detached. Now they just hit a nerve, and all I can think about is "brain tumor" "face tumor" and "no face". Get these thoughts out of my head! They fill me with incredible fear and worry and sadness and panic. I am so blessed, and yet we are surrounded by tragedy. How can I protect my beautiful girls?
The reality is that there are some things you can't control. And some risks you don't realize you are taking. I wrote a couple of weeks ago about how Juliette likes to run around naked; soon after, someone found my blog by Googling "naked + pictures + boys". When I saw that, my revulsion was so deep that my skin started to crawl and my first instinct was to delete all my posts, erase the blog, and hide my girls as far as possible from that sort of perversion. Course, someone else found the site by searching for "chubby + men + underwear + rosy". I'm not sure how that tied in with my blog, but that just proves that there are some weird people out there. It makes me want to run away to some desert island, where we will be safe- until the next tsunami hits. How do you learn to live with this worry? How do you learn to live with this fear? Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future, but then I realize it is better to just focus on the positive and stop worrying about the things that you can't control.
Hah. Easier said then done. But you know what? There is a silver lining. All these horrible thoughts make me remember how much I love my two girls. Underneath all the worry, is overwhelming, fufilling, joyful love.
3 comments:
okay, so I just read the blogs you linked to about that poor little boy. How terribly sad.
It's that age-old question of "why do bad things happen to good people?"
I'm glad you recognize & are grateful for all of your blessings - and that you count them daily.
You have a beautiful little family..with daughters who love their Mommy so very much!
Oh, & so random about people stumbling onto your website by googling what they did! Weirdos.
I had to shoot a heart-breaking assignment a couple of months ago that made quite an impression on me, and I think it kind of relates to your post. It was a story about a woman who played the harp in the waiting room of the radiology department at Boston Medical to soothe cancer patients who were waiting to undergo treatment.
I knew it would be a challenging assignment.
Among the patients there was a little girl there, 2 1/2 years old with cancer, completely bald due to the radiation treatment she was there to have, with big blue hollow eyes. It was her eyes.
Her father was very pleasant to the reporter and myself and I took a lot of photos with her and him. She seemed to enjoy the attention and was very flirtatious with me. All of the photos were candid, no poses, and I was struck by how she acted, like a normal little girl, and how he acted, like a normal loving father. He acted as if nothing was wrong becuase he didn't want her to really realize that something was. He told me she had about a 50% chance of surviving.
Now, Im not a father. But I am an uncle and through your family I understand life a little better. The poise and strength of that man impressed me more than David Ortiz or Tom Brady ever did ( and I have been really really impressed with Big Papi and Tom before).
Anyways, the photo that really stuck out was a shot of the little girl peering over a chair, from the nose up, staring right into my lens with her bald head and deep eyes with the harpist all out of focus in the background. It's kind of a haunting image but the paper ran it, half page in color, and filled the entire front and back pages of the paper with my photos from that assignment. Every single one I submitted. I guess the story of this father and his daughter just touched everyone.
I know that you have the same strength inside you, and I know Greg does too, I just hope that you don't ever need to tap into it.
love Mike
Mike's comments just made me start crying....
Post a Comment